woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
