I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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