She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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