slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
