but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
