I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
