shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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