god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
