She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
