the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
