your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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