I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
