I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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