I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
