In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
