I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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