How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
