My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
