Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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