do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
