last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
