I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
