i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
