I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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