wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
