You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
