you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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