next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
