I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
