i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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