He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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