I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
