The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
