I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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