Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
