come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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