i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
