You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
