hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
