You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
