If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
