I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
