My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
