life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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