I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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