apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
