Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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