Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
