I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
