Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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