As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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